detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
You Might Also Like
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
March 16
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.