Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
same vibe as tangled headphones
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados