When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???