You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.