[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care