I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Dance like you’re not the father
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
LOL
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.