please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
me opening up to someone
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.