One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’