By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”