Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁