Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
You Might Also Like
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’