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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Lmao
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.