My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Finally a use for spoilers…
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge