Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳