Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Try and stop me.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.