“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You Might Also Like
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Sing it!
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.