Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine