Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”