Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You Might Also Like
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Oh my god
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”