Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
is this a warning or an offer?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A sick whale is called an unwhale
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.