Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Grow up never but we old may grow we