Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun