I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: