Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags