-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”