me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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We’re all getting idioter.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
That’s enough internet for the day
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required