Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog