If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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british sex workers really pound for pound
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”