The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Every haunted house movie:
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.