You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫