waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
This is a true ally.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*