I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
goldfish mafia
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas