Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The French cow says MEUX…
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important