The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.