Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please