2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]