Confused owl: What?!
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened