Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?