Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Best seat on the street 😍
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed