When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Venn
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?