HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me irl
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.