i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.