Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Teach your children to beatbox
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*