My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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I will have a piĂąata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money⌠I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, âok, boomerâ when they try to act like my mother.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off đ
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. Iâve missed you.
M: WHOâS THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: âWhoâ indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY âJE TâAIME BIENâ OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Someone called me âdown to earthâ and I was like, âhey look, mister, youâve got the wrong woman.â
This is a fact based meme đđ