Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Fight
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“The Perfect Relationship”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.