It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
won’t smith
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.