My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.