My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha