4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.