next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Happy thanksgiving
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.